It’s shit like this that makes me fear for the future of our nation. Not because there are bigots but because working in education one should be able to be an honorable human being. But for some reason, we expect not honor but hypocrisy of those who teach our children. People of common sense and decency can get, hold, or keep jobs at any educational institution, I know– but I’d feel like a hypocrite having to toe the party line on so many things. I guess that’s the way it is.
I get a semi-regular mailing from T-Shirt Hell and this latest one was absolutely hysterical. Note for the record that I’m not actually opposed to children– I don’t want any of my own, but they sure are cute when they belong to other people. Nonetheless, read the T-Shirt Hell rant on them in the “Extended Entry” below.
I hate kids.
I yearn for a world without any children. It would be a world of quiet
airplanes, restaurants, and movie theatres: a world without playgrounds,
circuses, and child proof caps. Drug dealers could ply their trade wherever
they wanted, without having to worry about wandering into a school zone.
Adult book stores would just be called book stores.Nobody wants kids for the sake of having kids. Women want kids to prove
that they have working vaginas. Having babies is the one thing us women
can do, besides field hockey, which no man can do at all, let alone do
better.Ladies, if you want to impress people with your gash then shoot ping pong
balls out of it; or use it to pick up a stack of quarters. Do you want to
dazzle them? Then combine these two tricks as you sail through the exact
change lane on the turnpike.Men want to have kids because they were picked last in gym class. Or worse,
they were captain of the high school football team and led their team to the
State Title. But then a freak masturbation accident cut their college
career short. Either way, they are determined to create little champions.
So, they put creatine in their kid’s Captain Crunch, and dose their juice
boxes with anabolic steroids.I don’t care if your kid can jump over your house: it doesn’t change the
fact that you’re still a loser. Now finish pumping my gas, and lick those
bugs off my windshield if you want a tip. Your kid needs a pair of Adidas
1s doesn’t he?People have kids in the hopes that they will take care of them when they get
old. Fat fucking chance. Take the money you would have spent on
orthodontia, college, and rehab; and put it into a nice no-load mutual fund.
You’ll be able to retire to a tropical island in your early fifties. Then
let someone else’s teenager bring you fruity drinks and give you a poolside
happy ending massage.If you have kids now, it’s not too late to get rid of them. If you’re still
living at home, it’s never too early to leave and give your parents a chance
at happiness. Sweatshops and street gangs are both excellent options. Both
offer a child the opportunity to learn a trade, and room for advancement.
Both offer lifetime job security. How many people have that? If you’re
afraid you’ll miss your kid buy a PSP I hear they’re awesome. They play
games, movies, and music. Your kid can’t play music and they had 5 years of
piano lessons.Do you know what would happen if everyone stopped having kids? Nothing.
Nothing would happen. The last generation would enjoy seventy years of
peace and quiet. Human civilization would end? So what? Why do you care?
You’ll be dead either way. I hear that ferrets are pretty smart let’s give
them have a chance to run the planet. If you’re the last person on earth
just remember to turn out the lights.
Secretly Ironic 