The Best of the Web

Part of my job is sorting the wheat from the chaff of the internet. That means I come across some pretty brilliant chaff, like this Conservababes Forum discussion of next month’s elections:

IF THE SOCIALIST DEMOCRATS WIN IN 2006 AND 2008:

YOUR INCOME AND PAYROLL TAXES WILL GO UP

THE US WILL LOSE THE WAR AGAINST ISLAMOFASCISTS AROUND THE GLOBE

3 OR 4 NEW SUPREME COURT JUDGES AND DOZENS OF FEDERAL DISTRICT JUDGES WILL BE LEFTISTS

ABORTIONS WILL INCREASE

HEALTHCARE WILL BE NATIONALIZED BRINGING ON FORCED EUTHANIZATION OF THE AGING

HUMAN CLONING AND EMBRYONIC STEM CELL FARMING WILL BE LEGALIZED

PUBLIC EDUCATION QUALITY WILL CONTINUE TO DECLINE

FREE TRADE WILL BE RESTRICTED BY TARIFFS AND REGULATIONS FAVORING UNIONS

AT LEAST ONE MAJOR US CITY WILL BE VAPORIZED BY TERRORISTS

AT LEAST 10 LARGE SCHOOLS WILL BE DESTROYED BY ISLAMOFASCIST TERRORISM

GUN MANUFACTURERS WILL BE SUED, POSSIBLY INTO BANKRUPTCY

GAY MARRIAGE AND POLYGAMY WILL BE LEGALIZED AND NORMALIZED

FAST-FOOD CHAINS WILL BE SUED, POSSIBLY INTO BANKRUPTCY

THESE ARE THE ELEMENTS OF THE SOCIALIST AGENDA… AND THEY WILL BE SUCCESSFUL. FORGIVE ME IF I LEFT ANY OUT.

I just can’t tell if they’re serious. I mean, you can argue about Bush’s record on the economy and on security, but forced euthanasia and polygamy? And there’s some stuff in there that really seems out of place– regulations on the Panama canal? And why would blowing up cities be part of the Democratic agenda? Not to mention the panicky fear of “socialism,” which I thought the US grew out of at about the same time I grew out of being afraid of monsters under the bed.

2 thoughts on “The Best of the Web”

  1. This is priceless. I love the part about fast food chains being sued into bankruptcy. And the icon on the left is precious: the iconic Minuteman in front of the iconic Saguaro cactus. Given the relatively late signing of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, I’m not sure the Minuteman is the correct icon for that part of the continent at that point in history.

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