It turns out that a significant number of those luxury granite countertops that, together with fingerprint-prone stainless steel appliances, will become the most regrettable style cliche of the early 21st century, are not only ugly and difficult to maintain but also radioactive. Not just radioactive in the sense that nobody will buy your house and that you’ve overextended your credit, but radioactive in the sense that the exotic granite sometimes has more uranium than usual and gives off radon.
Spend too much time cooking or screwing on your new luxe kitchen and you might end up sterile or dead. Well, you’re bound to end up sterile and dead one way or another, of course. Just sooner than you’d otherwise expect.
Secretly Ironic 
Hey, I love stainless steel appliances. Besides, they have special cleaners to make them fingerprint-free. (Even enviro-friendly ones.)
As for the granite, I prefer my sister’s quartz-and-resin hi-tech hybrid for stone countertops. Personally, I was thinking of poured concrete. Not that I really need to worry about the sterile part, and chances are, the cigarettes would do me in long before the uranium.
D.
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It’s the runon sentences that are sure to get me.
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