Author: Aaron Weber

Bad Product Names

People don’t believe me when I tell them, but it’s true: Nissan really does make a car called the Armada. The car is as absurd as it sounds. It is approximately the size of some apartments in this city, and of some cities in Europe.

Why pick a name like Armada? Why, to convey that this is no mere land-yacht, no sir! It’s a whole FLEET! I assume it handles like an armada going down in a storm off the coast of Spain. Or like the oil tanker required to fuel it– the 5.6 liter, 8-cylinder engine means you’ll be doing as little as 13 MPG in city driving. The 4×4 LE edition weighs 5,612 pounds, and the titans are priced to move at $35,000 to $40,000.

Is there a better way to proclaim to the world that you are an asshole? I mean, aside from driving a Hummer?

Remuneration

Someone told me recently that Tiger Woods is the first-ever sports billionaire. Why not Jordan? I guessed that Jordan signed his licensing deals earlier on, so they may not have been as favorable. Or perhaps a year of golf tournament prizes add up to more than a year’s worth of basketball salary. And basketball doesn’t appeal to bankers, so Jordan never got licensed for much beyond sports gear, cereal, and toys, while Woods reps for Nike, Cadillac, and Accenture.

While in 2004 Woods ranked as the top-paid athlete, pulling in $10M directly from golfing plus $70M in endorsements, Jordan certainly isn’t doing badly. He was ranked fourth, at $35M/year, — all in endorsement revenues, since he’s been retired for some time now. $35M/yr is not bad for a retired guy.

And Baby Makes Three

Someone suggested today that New Hampshire’s license plate motto would be so much better if you could add “Baby” to it. As in, “Live Free or Die, Baby.” Sort of like in Terminator II. The alternate motto of course is “Home of Tax Free Shopping, Baby.” Yes, that’s a real NH slogan. Maine might also benefit: “The way life should be, baby.”

Of course, Florida already has that kind of motto. Their license plates say “Election Fraud and Hurricanes, Baby!” Or is it only in my imagination that those are the only attractions in the state?

Preserving the Marketplace

You lamented when Wordsworth closed, but you have ordered your latest Harry Potter from B&N or the Coop? Fools! Shop at Harvard Bookstore! Reservations for the book are available, but optional, and the sale price is 20% off the cover. Goes on sale Friday night (Saturday Morning) at midnight.

I won’t be there because Harry Potter is beneath me.

Marketplace

The Ducati Monster 620 retails for $6,000 new. This gentleman wants to sell one, used for $4000. Now, in my general world-view, you might get 50-60 percent of your purchase price if you have a 2-3 year old bike with a single owner in immaculate condition. This is a 2-owner bike that’s been in at least one wreck and is scratched. I’d imagine that in such a case that the first person bought it new for $6,000, the second person bought it used for $4,000, and could sell it for between $2,000 and $2,500, if it were in perfect condition. Given that it’s not, I’d consider $1,500.

Where the hell do you get these valuations? The amount of money you need to pay for your crack addiction does not equal the value of your third-hand beat-up entry-level notoriously finicky hard-to-maintain Italian sportbike.

Even if it is very pretty.

Clothing

The other day Nat suggested that it would be funny to make a t-shirt with the slogan “e^2pi*i is the loneliest number” and when I figured out what he meant, a few minutes ago (the answer is “1”) it occurred to me that, while it might be funny to have a shirt with an alternate expression of “one” on it as the loneliest number, aren’t there other, lonelier numbers? I mean, could e^pi*i be lonelier? That’s got one less pi*i, and it’s negative. Or maybe i is really the loneliest number. It’s imaginary, you know. That’s gotta be pretty lonely.

Not in the New York Times

Someone pointed out to me that just linking to some random Times article is the highbrow equivalent of posting random quizzes nobody else cares about: it’s what you do when you have nothing interesting to say.

So, here’s two links to random crap that is not from the Times
The Poor Man parodies Powerline:

But, more importantly, the MSM seems to have conveniently forgotten about a little thing called 9/11, the day that everything changed forever. Sure, prior to 9/11, it was wrong for Michael Jackson to rape the shit out of little kids, and I am on the record saying so. But that innocent world is gone forever.

Stewie, from the Family Guy, hates on his babysitter’s boyfriend:

HA! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey-sack tourney! I’m not going to lie down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long-sleeve, open stitched, crew-neck henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpson episodes every night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow – oh, you’ve got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning – the guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder.