How to feel selfish and petty

While on vacation, I read The Burn Journals, which is about this 14-year-old kid who set himself on fire, and what happened after that. It’s a true story, and the author is going to speak at Harvard Bookstore some time this fall. The kid isn’t sure, at the time, exactly why he tried to kill himself, and he’s selfish and petty a lot of the time– as a teenager will be– except, of course, he’s also horribly burned, too. There were parts of the book that really touched me: his crushes on the nurses, his reaction to the fact that small children are now afraid of him, his realization– much later than you’d expect — that he’s hurt his family.

But really, compared to Ryszard Kapuscinski’s book about post-independence Africa, The Shadow of the Sun, he’s an incredibly petty whiner. Kapuscinski travels through newly independent African nations as a under-funded Polish journalist, meaning he gets malaria and TB and heat-stroke and hitch-hikes to war-torn areas on trucks, like the locals do, because his press bureau doesn’t have the funds to fly him around like the rich ones do. In the process, he gets a different view of things. He goes to villages where the richest man in town is the one who owns a bicycle, and where even he eats only one meal a day, and less in the dry season. He visits farmers who are careful not to work too hard, because if they do, they’ll die of exhaustion before the harvest comes in. He goes to urban shantytowns where everything is built of scraps, to refugee camps and unmarked shallow graves and empty markets and corrupt checkpoints. Really this is one of the best things I’ve read in a long time.

Apparently, conditions in Africa are better than they used to be, though. I learned that from Skeletons on the Zahara, in which Dean King relates the (true!) story of shipwrecked American merchant sailors who spend several years as slaves in nomad caravans, drinking their own urine and surviving on a half-bowl of camel’s milk every other day. Their masters get not much more– a full bowl, perhaps– as they trek north to ransom their captives. The relationship between the captives and their captors, who have no language or culture in common, who believe each other to be infidels and cannibals, is touching: they both, after all, take huge risks to travel unknown, trackless seas and deserts. Ultimately, the Americans are ransomed in Morocco, and return home as celebrities. They die relatively soon thereafter, of complications from malaria, dysentery, and starvation.

King’s story is both gripping and informative: for example, I learned that if you are trapped on the ocean with a limited supply of fresh water, you can supplement it with sea-water by up to 1/3, since that adds electrolytes you lose through sweat. Also, if necessary, you can drink the urine of a camel, and if it dies, you can drink the half-digested glop from its rumen. Potentially useful information come the apocalypse!

Business Books

For my vacation I grabbed a few handfuls of books from Bookdwarf’s office advance-review-copy pile. One of them was a business book by the editors of Business 2.0 Magazine. I read about ten pages of it and threw it across the room in disgust, because business books are all about teaching common sense and reason through anecdote and rule. If you are in your 30s and need a book to teach you how to handle facts like like “sometimes groups don’t cooperate well” and “customers hate it when you ignore them and lie to them” then it could be that you are a waste of oxygen and should be put to death.

On the other hand, here is a business thing that I have learned that may or may not seem obvious at first: your brochure is probably going to go unread, and if your customers read it, they won’t really read it carefully, because they will assume it has no useful information in it, and that it is full of vagueness. It probably is, in fact, devoid of the hard facts they need.

If you want them to consider your product, let them try it. An eval kit is worth 1000 flyers. A spec-sheet helps too, actually. People believe spec-sheets. Anything with too many adjectives gets tossed.

This is why I shouldn’t be allowed near news media

Sometimes, I make the mistake of reading Harper’s. Incisive writing, good editing, excellent research, funny little snippets of popular and unpopular culture. It’s a brilliant magazine, I can’t deny it. But things like excerpts from the wedding vows of a pretentious lit-crit couple make me cringe. And the article None Dare Call it Stolen, an analysis of what really happened in Ohio in November 2004, makes me so angry I can’t sleep.

There doesn’t seem to be much I can do to encourage my leaders to get off their butts and impeach the president (and besides, what do I want, Cheney in charge? He’d be worse.) And there doesn’t seem to be much I can do to stop people from writing their own self-indulgent wedding vows, either.

I mean, people deeply involved in politics or weddings or divorces or disputes with roommates enter these weird alternate universes where it totally makes sense to rig an election, write incredibly tacky vows, force bridesmaids to buy expensive and hideous dresses, or pour dye into someone else’s laundry detergent. And I can’t do anything about any of that.

I can’t stop the war, or the hurricane. I can’t stop people believing in Intelligent Design. I can’t even persuade people to use my company’s software, even when they totally acknowledge I’m right. I’m just standing here, railing against the power of things greater than I am and all I can do is wait for something to go wrong and say “I told you so.” And that doesn’t really help. It doesn’t help me and it doesn’t help anyone else.

I told you that election was going to be stolen. I told you that building a city below sea level would make you subject to horrible storms. I told you that going to war in the middle east with too few soldiers was a terrible idea. I told you that writing postmodern wedding vows was tacky. Did you listen? Of course not.

And you won’t listen next time. I mean, the election system hasn’t been fixed for ’08. People are going to rebuild on the shores of the floodplains. The east african plains ape is all about ignoring prudent advice and doing crazy shit like this, migrating across land-bridges and hunting mastodons and building things in floodplains and digging for gold. Of course they get hurt, and of course they get back up and do it again, and nobody can stop all of them from doing crazy stupid shit. And ultimately, that’s what’s good about people, too: their ability to keep doing apparently absurd things and surviving in one way or another, and creating amazing things in the process.

I just… I sometimes wish I was in charge. At least I’d be able to mandate non-tacky wedding vows.

Are you a pitcher, or a catcher?

I’m like Curt Schilling, only without the annoying politics and injured leg, and without the ability to throw things very fast. But boy have I got a movie idea for you.

It’s a heartwarming comedy with a thrilling edge, appealing to the girls with a relationship and the boys with a car chase and some explosions. I see it as like “Three Men and a Baby” meets “Saw.” Or, you know, “Mr. Mom” meets “The Ring.”

Meta-journalism about drugs

Slate has a good take on the way that drugs are reported on in NYC, and points me to the blog Meth-Mouth. The phrase is so evocative, I keep looking for fun new ways to use it. I dunno– punk bands, urban clothing labels, whatever.

(The origins: speed makes your mouth dry, makes you crave sweets, makes you forget to brush, makes you pass out for days at a time with your mouth open and your teeth rotting, makes you grind your teeth… anyway, it’s bad for your teeth and an uncanny number of users have dental problems. Not all of them, but enough for the press to catch on to it and create a whole urban legend along the lines of “if you take acid you’ll think you can fly and jump off a building” or “if you take heroin you will get an abcess and have your arm amputated.” I feel like if I were a tweaker, I’d end up getting obsessed with my teeth, rinsing, flossing, brushing… that or I’d just blog constantly.)

Asking for it…

A new Motorcycle USA article begins: “If ever there was a motorcycle manufacturer as committed to achieving aesthetic success as functional prowess, it would be Ducati.” They apparently mean this as a compliment.

For those of you who are not me, this is funny because: Ducati is known for tempermental (or genuinely unreliable) bikes, and while their styling is mostly excellent, it also draws a fair bit of criticism. Motorcyclist Magazine said the Monster S2R “looked like it crashed into the plumbing department at Home Depot.”

Oh dear. I’m telling jokes that require explanation.

Hello My Name is Aaron Weber

Hello my name is Aaron Weber and I am wearing a silly hat. I am here to discuss free software. I am here to discuss the relative merits of the National and American League when compared to leading CRM systems. Or was it the differences between Novell Linux Desktop and a used car salesman. (The answer is, the used car salesman knows how to track fertility cycles, and the software doesn’t strictly know anything, because it isn’t a person.)

I’m not really sure what’s going on at this point, except that I am dehydrated and my voice is shot and my feet are killing me. I did go to a fun karaoke bar last night though.